Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know š
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
āOn a breakā is implied when itās a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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