i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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