Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
