my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
