I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
