i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
