i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
