Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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