the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
