is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
