I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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