I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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