Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
