I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
