I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
