but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
