they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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