I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
