Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
