my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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