Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
