you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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