i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the day after is always just damage control
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
