How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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