there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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