Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
