Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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