Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize