there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
