we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
