If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
