I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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