they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
