Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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