i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your cock deserves a montage
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize