It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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