I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
