Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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