she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
