Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
