Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
