Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
even my farts smell like vagina
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
