If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
