I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
