The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
