life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
