everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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