before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
