Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
