they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
