i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
