Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Randomize
