Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
