you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
