I could make wine with my vomit
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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