hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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