do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
