So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
