Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
