remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
