Is it normal to miss your booty call?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
