he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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