dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
