I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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