I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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