btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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